dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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