I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
