Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Randomize
