The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
