you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
