I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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