Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
