Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
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