Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
