Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.