my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'