The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
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passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
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To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night