Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?