Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.