I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.