I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
21 Dirty Secrets From Bachelor/Bachelorette Parties That Have Destroyed Marriages
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
23 Fathers Confess The Best Way They’ve Messed With Their Daughter’s Boyfriend
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass