Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.