Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
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He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
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Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth