I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
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hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
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Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.