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I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
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