It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible