I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
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I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
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Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.