Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?