Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
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I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
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I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line