Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
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Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
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I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.