I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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