Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
19 Characteristics That Make People Instantly Attractive
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
25 People Confess What They’re Shamefully Attracted To
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.