FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended