My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.