It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language