She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"