FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
These People Are The Epitome of Lazy
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Disturbing Scenes People Witnessed As Children
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?