I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
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The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
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There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.