I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo