After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
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Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
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You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.