My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.