You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
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There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
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Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call