you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.