"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
17 of the Dumbest Defenses Heard in Court
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
These 19 Ladies Love Pegging Their Men
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch