It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.