I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
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Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
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It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.