My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
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We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
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I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.