just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Dating After Heartbreak
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.