What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
It's what's on the inside that counts(972): They probably have big open vaginas so the inside is no good
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool