Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
19 Unhappily Married People Confess The Red Flags They Ignored
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
These 23 People Destroyed Their Entire Lives In An Instant
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
P.S. I can't hear my feet
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high