Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.