He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
pop tarts are not kleenex
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
25 People Share How They Got Out Of Their Longest Dry Spell
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
21 People Confess Their Craziest Online Dating Experience
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."