It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
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Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
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Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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