The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....