Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
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I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
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You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.