I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
23 People Noticed Deal Breakers in Their Partner A Little Too Late
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
23 Millennials Confess The Things They Wish They Weren’t Attracted To
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.