When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.