with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
19 Cringe-worthy Bachelorette Party Texts
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
The 23 Worst Things That Have Happened After a One Night Stand
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.