Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.