the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I'm passing your future prison.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Randomize
