So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
30 People Reveal The Moment They Realized: ‘Oh Sh*t, I’m An A**hole’
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
30 Tiny Celebrity Tattoos You’ll Want To Run Out And Copy ASAP
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics