Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
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I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
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I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.