I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
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I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
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I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.