He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
These 27 Hilarious People Wrote Their Own Obituaries
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
23 Men Confess What Gifts Would Brighten Their Day
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass