I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.