Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed